Drinks, right?
Of course, sometimes you get to the point in your drinks jones where you’re like...
“Oh my gawd you know what sounds like AMAZING right now? (Insert dive bar food here)” (I know I get like that otherwise I know the next day I’ll have a headache -- at best -- rueing the fact that I didn’t get my drunken nosh on)
And I think we can all justify that typical dive bar food is just that: typical (And I differentiate between dive bar and regular bar food because of this article). Yet because the majority of foods are fried and often covered with cheese or bacon, they’re delicious no matter how disgusting they are. I mean, if you can’t get down with ubiquitous garlic fries, onion rings, jalapeno poppers or the empyrean totchos (That yes, we’ve already mentioned before), then you really don’t belong in a dive bar anyway.
Hawthorne Hideaway’s menu is the quintessential dive bar menu. They have stepped up their game since we first started dating, namely with their burger. Goodbye $5 happy hour bacon cheeseburger, hello it’s big brother: “All burgers are 100% certified angus ½ pound hand-pattied, served with secret sauce, lettuce, tomato, pickle and onion unless noted, served on a sesame seed kaiser roll from Portland French Bakery.” $10. Add cheese or bacon for $1, egg for $.50.”
Let’s dive into how it was:
Bun Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
You know that “Portland French Bakery kaiser roll” mentioned in the description? False advertising. While it wasn’t a Franz bun by any means, I was personally disappointed at the fact that it was so not a kaiser roll let alone anything that Portland French Bakery turns out. That said, with all the ketchup I added to my burger, the bun held up with pretty decent gusto.
Meat Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
While I have no idea who their meat purveyor is, I’ll own up to the fact that the meat was pretty darn good. There was no gristle, no slimy blahness swimming its way down our throats and nothing to be too worried about. That said, the quality could have been due to the fact of how we ordered it (See below).
Made to Order: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Here we have to kick ourselves in the ass a little bit. Being at a bar we didn’t think about specifying how we wanted our burger done. After all, at the Hideaway, the single bartender isn’t just in charge of drinks, he’s gotta deal with taking all the food orders, too. And it being a late Saturday night, the addition of ‘Oh and make those medium rare, please’ seemed a bit too much to ask for. It wasn’t until we were scrutinizing the menu that we saw that all burgers are cooked to well done. Well done. Not even medium. That said, well done they were...which may have been for our benefit since we’re so unsure of where their meat comes from. Damn it.
Sauces: Jason (.5) Amie (.25)
Same ol’ same ol’ Heinzy McHeinzerson sauces, not to mention a weird uncomfortably congealed mayo.
Quality of Accoutrements: Jason (1), Amie (1)
At a bar you’d expect mealy tomatoes, bagged lettuce and onions so soft they could have come from a soup. That said, the accoutrements on Hideaway’s burger were surprisingly fresh though probably not to the snooty organic, farm fresh levels preferred. That said, I even ate my tomatoes -- which is a big deal.
Add On Options: Jason (0), Amie (.25)
American cheese. American. For a dollar. In all that is blasphemous not just in the culinary world, but in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE, American cheese is right up there with Hitler and white pants after Labor Day (White pants are usually blasphemous anytime of year). Had it not been for the disgusting unwrapped square of plastic, the bacon and egg add on options would have created that lovely trifecta we so appreciate as add on options.
What It Comes With: Jason (1), Amie (.5)
Like the great bar it is, Hideaway lets you choose between fries OR tots, allowing you to drunkenly partake in your favorite salty fried potato snack. The fries are pretty good; salty and a mix of crunchy little ones and big softies. While we’ve had the tots before (salty deliciousness that swims sweetly in ketchup), I hadn’t tried the other option of a salad. I know, I know, a salad...from a bar? Weak, but you’ll have to understand we were on burger #5 in the same number of nights. So to save waist line, I opted for the salad. Unlike the accoutrements, this was partially from a pre-bagged mix with a few onions and tomatoes tossed in. Not terrible. Not memorable.
Meat Flavor: Jason (0), Amie (0)
When a burger NEEDS bacon, that’s not a good thing. When a burger NEEDS ketchup AND bacon, that’s a really not good thing. This one, unfortunately needed both. Yes, we got the beefiness but it just wasn’t that GOOD of a beefiness. Quality aside, a dash of salt and pepper in their mix (Unless they’re pre made) would go a long way.
Presentation: Jason (1), Amie (1)
With nothing more to add onto the sandwich (save for a couple of dollops of ketchup), the burger came bun on. Perfection.
Hit the Spot Factor: Jason (.5), Amie (.5)
The only reason this even got this high of a mark is because we were hun-ga-ray. It was past 10 pm and we had been through a long day of hanging out, day drinking and playing with our kitties. It was rough, obviously. It’s a good burger to get your teeth into but I’m not sure if it is for the price. Maybe opt for the little burger they offer instead and you’ll feel a bit happier about the cost/quality comparison.
Bonus Pickle? Zero.
Siiiiiigh.
Total Score: 6.3
Recommendation:
It might be bar food, but it’s still ranking higher than Clyde Common. So our recommendation is to get your dive bar on in the SE hood and tuck in with a nice giant burger and as hefty of a pour of whiskey as you can imagine. And with free pool, an awesome jukebox AND creepy Red light hotel lighting, you CAN’T go wrong. Get er done.
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