Slow Bar

It’s not very often we get to spend lunch together during the weekdays. If we are, it usually means one of us has the sniffles or the throw ups which doesn’t often lead to fun midday meals. However, this last Friday we were lucky to grab a lunchtime bite.

Yes, that means we went for a burger and a lunchtime beer to go with that bite. After hearing from multiple people (Pat LaValley, that includes you!) about Slow Bar having THE. BEST. BURGER. in the city, we opted to head over to Grand Street for Slow Bar.

It’s a quirky little place, but one that’s comfortable, whether you’re looking to share a $30 pinot noir over happy hour or are jonesing for a lunchtime tuck in with a bitchin beer list.

Onto the burger. Slow Bar's menu has two up for grabs which, being the tasters we are, led us to ordering both. (Not both each. Lordy we’d be in the hospital with heart attacks sooner than later!)





Jason’s: “The Slowburger: ½ lb. Painted Hills natural beef, Gruyere, onion rings, butter lettuce, pickle relish. $9.75”

Amie’s: “The Spring Slowburger: ½ lb Painted Hills natural beef, chipotle cheddar, Nueske’s smoked bacon, caramelized onions, shredded iceberg lettuce, Slow Sauce. $9.75”

How’d they stack up?

Bun Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
Mmm we’re suckers for sesame seeds. But more than that, we’re suckers for a bun that hold up. It’s the situation when you’re with your husband and you’re confident knowing if an altercation comes to fruition, he’ll be there. He’ll stand up and do everything he can in his manly husbandly powers to make sure you’re okay. (Wives do the same for you husband readers!) That’s what I need in a bun. I need the confidence that, should all the meaty juices, sloppy sauces, melty cheese and oniony oil try to start some shit by falling onto the plate, my bun is able to do everything to prevent that ultimate collapse of sauces and accoutrements. This bun was aaaaaalmost that. Boy/girlfriend worthy perhaps, but definitely not something I’d marry myself to.

Meat Quality: Jason (1), Amie (1)
The Painted Hills are alive...with the sound of awesomeness!

Seriously, it’s hard to go wrong with Painted Hills beef. The way they raise their animals is the way I want to eat: They use no added growth hormones and no antibiotics. They never feed their cattle any animal by products, just a 100% vegetarian diet that begins at birth.

That TLC really does make the difference between quality meat I’d pick at raw (If no one was looking to judge or tell me to do otherwise) and the meat I wouldn’t touch with the pointed side of a sanitized rod.

Made to Order: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Even if you’re not an art aficionado...you know that feeling when you simply look at something, maybe it’s a drawing, a painting, a photograph or some freakishly gorgeous nature scene? That feeling where you’re just like, “I have no words for how gorgeously perfect this is.”

That’s the feeling I got when I looked at the middle of my half eaten burger, noticing it’s carefully crafted charred outside, light brown outer ring and rare inside, as pink as flushed pinched cheeks. It was the epitome of the definition of medium rare.

Sauces: Jason (.75) Amie (1)
If you can call the pickle relish a sauce, then it’s the bomb dot effing com. If not, everything else reigns as normal. Although the special Slow Sauce popped with a nice tang that’s not typically found in the usual mayo/ketchup ‘special sauce.’ It was a pleasant surprise to bite into. The ketchup they served in the little white cup we’ve all come to love was chilled ice cold; a nice juxtaposition between the oily heat of the fries. Do they always serve it like that or is it served that way because they had just opened? Any late night Slow Burger goers have that answer?

Quality of Accoutrements: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Let’s start with the Slowburger: Pickle relish that’s vinegary with an afterthought of awesome sweet tang. The onion rings were perfect, not dripping in oil, but tempered enough to be light, crispy and soft. And the Gruyere? A salty and stinky marvel of melted cheese that blends nicely with the faint trace of onion ring oil and combines with the juiciness of the meat that makes you basically okay with dying, right then, right there.

As for the Spring Slowburger, the bacon, just like Bamboo’s, is Nueske’s bacon -- the best damn bacon in the world. Smoky and salty, it reminds me of breakfast at my folk’s place, giving me that comfortable feeling that everything in the world is perfect. The caramelized onions couldn’t have been done to better perfection, sweet with just the slightest hint of a crunch. All lettuce and pickled onions were also fresh as a clean baby’s bottom (Hmmm, perhaps I shouldn’t use that simile anymore).

Add On Options: Jason (0), Amie (0)
We’re having a bit of an existential dilemma here. The burger was AWESOME and we agree with the rest of the city lauding the deliciousness of this ½ pound patty of perfection. However. HOWEVER. They don’t come with any add options. Do they need add ons? Perhaps not. We appreciate the meticulous preparation and planning that’s gone into those burgers and their accoutrements, but we still have to rate a big fat zero for their lack of add on options.

What It Comes With: Jason (1), Amie (1)
FRENCH FRIES! Definitely hand cut. Definitely delicious. While not as good as the onion rings (Which you see from the photo was an accoutrement, not a side dish), the french fries were hot and salty -- delicious when added to the super chilled ketchup. Even better when you used them to collect dripping meat juices that ooze out while you’re digging your face into that greasy gut abomination of glorious gluttony.

Meat Flavor: Jason (1), Amie (1)
I’ll quote Jason five days after eating the burger: “God damn that was so tasty.” The meat flavor was really spot on. With a hefty dash of salt and pepper, this burger screamed of beefiness and juicy, savory, meaty oil that I was lapping at the juices as they ran down my wrists and arms. Best meat flavor.

Presentation: Jason (1), Amie (1)
We’ve got to refer to what Jenn Louis told us about her feelings on the bun on/bun off debate. You see, the Slowburger, piled high with inch tall onion rings, comes bun off. Probably both because it would be impossible to carry out without the bun falling off, AND to let you behold the glory of the onion rings crowning the burger. The Spring Slowburger however, came all ready to go, closed and speared with a sawed skewer stick. And since it didn’t have accoutrements on the plate inviting me to take off the bun, we’ll accept and definitely appreciate the presentation. Two different burgers. Two different presentations. Both totally awesome and oozing badassery.

Hit the Spot Factor: Jason (1), Amie (1)
So the one bad thing about getting down with Portland’s proclaimed best burger on a Friday afternoon is the fact that after ingesting and moaning over ½ a pound of beef and a gang of french fries and onion rings, you’re basically worthless for the rest of the day. It’s THAT good. Food coma good, giving you the same feeling after the first round of Thanksgiving dinner. It might be so good that it rivals the feeling of unbuttoning your pants with no shame after the SECOND round of Thanksgiving dinner. You’re happy, sated and couldn’t ask for anything better in the world.

Bonus Pickle? Zero.
We hate to but we have to repeat ourselves: Siiiiiiiigh. BONUS PICKLES! Send us a sign to tell us where you are!



Total Score: 8.625






Recommendation:
Don’t let the lack of add on options deter you from this place. I’ll even go again knowing they don’t have a bonus pickle. I’m personally curious to know what the vibe is like on an evening night, especially weekend evening night. If it’s anything like a Friday afternoon, everyone’s gonna be ordering the burger (We seriously saw 8 served before ours came out, and we were only there for about an hour), it’s gonna be loud, but a chilled sort of loud. For sure hit it up for lunch if you’re in the SE/inner NE area.  Sure, it’s a more expensive burger but it’s delicious and way better than any typical bar food you’re used to. It’s the best $9.75 for a burger we’ve spent in a while.

I think Jason’s closing statement says it all:

“I’ve got a half a pound of burger and about ½  a pound of onions rings and french fries in me. I’m stuffed and  BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP.”