Meat: The Contenders

While the burger, at its very core has a single definition -- a ground beef patty fried or grilled, served between a bun -- in restaurants today, we’ve seen this simple creation explode into a veritable profusion of variety.

We Americans are fortunate to have such a cornucopia of cow to choose from, even though it does make our task of finding the best burger in Portland a bit trickier.

That said, let’s meet the meat so you know what we’ll be diving into.

1. The Standard: I can’t imagine there’s much explanation needed here. The Standard is the burger you grew up eating during backyard family BBQs. The meat was well done, the bun came from the inside of a sweaty bag, the condiments were sliced and piled onto a plate by Mom and the sauces were good old fashioned Heinz.  

2. The Diner: The Diner burger is what the Standard morphs into as you grow up and earn a more distinguished palate. Yet, unlike the backyard BBQ you happily rolled around in, you don’t want to see the place where your Diner comes from. It’s cliche, but come on, we all know the Diner’s fried in the back by Big Jim, a pot bellied hairy man reeking of whiskey and cigarettes -- which oddly enough, is typically how one feels after ingesting that ¼ pound ball of greasy beef.

3. The Bar: Banking on the well known fact that Americans who drink beer like burgers, the Bar is as much of staple as nachos (and totchos if you’re a lucky Portlander), wings and bad music. And of course, just like the music you hated when you walked into the bar, the Bar Burger usually only gets better with every beer you imbibe.

4. The Bistro: The Bistro is the burger all gussied up, ready for the prom. It’s typically 6 ounces of grass-fed, organic (And hopefully local) beef, made medium and served up on an artisinal bun delivered fresh that morning from a local bakery. The condiments are often house-made and the add-ons are fresh, local and usually jack up the cost of the already $12 Bistro to a price tag more often worn by a steak.

5. The Slider: Small, satisfying and simple, the Slider is that little scrumptious burger whose teeny tiny cuteness makes it more than okay to order multiple...without feeling like a big fat cow (Which is probably why they’ve been one of the latest crazes in restaurants over the last year).

6. The Fast Food: While I can’t imagine we’ll be partaking in too many drive-thru order sessions, we can’t discount this greasy behemoth and the pay at least one homage to Ray Kroc (After all, while I’m anti McDonalds, everyone has their own McDonalds).

7. The Monster: The Monster is the creation of a Dr. Frankenstein chef who pioneers the burger to the appeal of the weekend warrior type of eater. Not a burger that merely satiates, the Monster crams, stuffs and fills every little nook and cranny of your stomach so that Thanksgiving and Christmas meals combined might be less filling.

8. The Veggie: Most beef burger aficionados would say the Veggie is like someone enduring a midlife crisis -- it’s trying way, way too hard to be something it’ll never actually be. That said, the Veggie, when it hasn’t come from a frozen box, can actually be way enjoyable.

9. The Non Beef: The Non Beef, like someone who got pulled over after pounding a few back, walks a very fine line: Whether it’s a lamb, pork or something entirely different, One step off that line and the Non Beef is looking at some hefty fines. However, if it successfully sings and dances its way to the finish line without error, the Non Beef can celebrate sidestepping a serious situation.