The Ten Hammandments

“Yeah yeah yeah, big woop. Who are these people to write about burgers AND how do they even decide what’s good and what isn’t?”

Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you asked! After MUCH debate (Doesn’t that just come with the territory of marriage?), we landed upon The Ten Hammandments (Yes, I’m fusing the Bible and the word of God with, in my opinion, the most heavenly food available) with which we’ll rate burgers on.

Each of us gets 1 point to grant per category. We will then combine and average the scores to wind up with a final score. As you’ll learn, the best burger can earn 11 points -- granted they hit that bonus point.

And now, for the Ten Hammandments:

1. Bun: Does it fall apart upon first touch? Is the bread too hard so bite through that it forces all the goods out upon first nosh? Or is it toasted, fluffy and flavored with butter, grain and perfection?... you know, crunchy on the outside -- fortified to hold it’s outside -- but soft enough on the inside to be spongy and bouyant enough to really hug, hold and love without avail that incredulously juicy meat?

2. Meat: This is a biggie. Did the restaurant grind the meat itself? Is it an obvious pre-made patty? Is there gristle that makes us want to vomit? Or is it smooth and rich with that fall-apart-in-your-mouth quality?

3. Made to order: We like our burgers medium rare. You give us a burger medium or -- dare I say, well done -- and you’ll experience a passive aggressive wrath so severe you’d wish you were Ripley fighting Aliens (Because let’s face it; that’s scary as hell but she still wins. Mr. or Mrs. Chef, you wouldn’t win otherwise).

4. Sauces: What does your burger come with? A big plllllllllfffffffffffhhhh of mayo so congealed we’d rather eat 4 hour old scrambled eggs? Or is there a homemade aioli, flavored with secret spices? Coupled with a crunchy, nasally-hot stone ground mustard and a non-high fructose corn syrup ketchup we wish we had more of just to be able to take a finger dollop of?

5. Accoutrements: Or to be less snobby and thesaurus happy about it, what’s that baby coming with? A slice of bagged iceburg? Or an organic red leaf skirt? A seedy tomato that’s more white than red? Or a beefy tomato I’ll actually eat by itself? Finely chopped onions (Jason’s food phobia) or pickled onions so tart he’d eat an entire bulb of them? Pickles that are homemade (sweet or dill will earn points) or jarred generics we bury under our crumpled napkin?

6. Add Ons: Oh baby, oh baby. These can make or break a burger. The cheese. The bacon. The anything else you can imagine would be delectable on a burger. What do you offer? How well does it meld with the rest of your stack of umami heaven? And how much does it jack up the cost of a well priced burger?

7. Accompaniments: We’re not blind to the fact that many happy hour and fast food burgers are sans fries. Nonetheless, we’re also grading burgers on what they come with. Fries? Side salad? Beans? Potato salad? Nothing at all? We need sides...especially if the burger is less than amazing.

8. Meat Flavor: Meat flavor is a BIG factor in what makes a burger less than amazing. Yes, you can cook it perfectly to how we ordered it, the quality of the meat can be awesome but people, people, people, a titch of salt goes a long way in bringing flavor out and we want that flavor. I appreciate a beefy tasting burger, but we want that beefiness to sing, Tosca style.

9. Presentation: This is our big debate, but after heavy conversations over our favorite beers, we have finally reached a consensus.

And that consensus is that there are two types of burgers. There’s the burger that, like the super hot yet unassuming of her hotness girl has such intense “I’m Awesome” confidence, it arrives to the table bun DOWN. Then, pitched in the other tent you’ll find the, “Hey, I can morph into whatever you want me to be” burger...ladened with the lettuce, pickles, onions and tomato on the side. Both are AWESOME.

Here’s where the points come in: If you’re the confident girl burger, you need to presented bun-patty-bun. If you’re the burger with options, you better be open for suggestions. Why? Because it’s an invitation to indulge in this culinary consummation. While we understand a chef has a specific way s/he wants something to be enjoyed, it’s unreasonable to ask a diner to divulge of their desires when they’re presented with the option to change it up (Which, let’s face it, is exactly what the burger provides). Bun on when it should be off? No points. Bun off when it should be on? Also...zero dinero.

10. Hit the Spot Factor: This one’s intangible but every person knows that feeling. Knows what it feels like to crave something with your very innate essence...and knows what it feels like to have that craving sated. Like, completely and entirely sated. If a burger doesn’t make us close our eyes, moan in ways that makes other diners around us uncomfortable, glare at each other as we’re eyeing each other’s last bites...then that burger isn’t getting a point. We need burgers that basically rival our wedding day (Which is a tall order as our wedding day was awesome).

11. The Bonus Pickle: That’s right. You put a pickle on the plate next to that burger -- not one that’s destined to lay in between patty and bun -- and, (Let’s go all internet speak with this one) OMG, you’re so beyond the best that you can earn an extra point. Bring on those bonus pickles.

So...that’s it. Slightly pretentious. Slightly perfectionist oriented. But totally and completely rational.

Let the rating begin.