Slow Bar

It’s not very often we get to spend lunch together during the weekdays. If we are, it usually means one of us has the sniffles or the throw ups which doesn’t often lead to fun midday meals. However, this last Friday we were lucky to grab a lunchtime bite.

Yes, that means we went for a burger and a lunchtime beer to go with that bite. After hearing from multiple people (Pat LaValley, that includes you!) about Slow Bar having THE. BEST. BURGER. in the city, we opted to head over to Grand Street for Slow Bar.

It’s a quirky little place, but one that’s comfortable, whether you’re looking to share a $30 pinot noir over happy hour or are jonesing for a lunchtime tuck in with a bitchin beer list.

Onto the burger. Slow Bar's menu has two up for grabs which, being the tasters we are, led us to ordering both. (Not both each. Lordy we’d be in the hospital with heart attacks sooner than later!)





Jason’s: “The Slowburger: ½ lb. Painted Hills natural beef, Gruyere, onion rings, butter lettuce, pickle relish. $9.75”

Amie’s: “The Spring Slowburger: ½ lb Painted Hills natural beef, chipotle cheddar, Nueske’s smoked bacon, caramelized onions, shredded iceberg lettuce, Slow Sauce. $9.75”

How’d they stack up?

Bun Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
Mmm we’re suckers for sesame seeds. But more than that, we’re suckers for a bun that hold up. It’s the situation when you’re with your husband and you’re confident knowing if an altercation comes to fruition, he’ll be there. He’ll stand up and do everything he can in his manly husbandly powers to make sure you’re okay. (Wives do the same for you husband readers!) That’s what I need in a bun. I need the confidence that, should all the meaty juices, sloppy sauces, melty cheese and oniony oil try to start some shit by falling onto the plate, my bun is able to do everything to prevent that ultimate collapse of sauces and accoutrements. This bun was aaaaaalmost that. Boy/girlfriend worthy perhaps, but definitely not something I’d marry myself to.

Meat Quality: Jason (1), Amie (1)
The Painted Hills are alive...with the sound of awesomeness!

Seriously, it’s hard to go wrong with Painted Hills beef. The way they raise their animals is the way I want to eat: They use no added growth hormones and no antibiotics. They never feed their cattle any animal by products, just a 100% vegetarian diet that begins at birth.

That TLC really does make the difference between quality meat I’d pick at raw (If no one was looking to judge or tell me to do otherwise) and the meat I wouldn’t touch with the pointed side of a sanitized rod.

Made to Order: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Even if you’re not an art aficionado...you know that feeling when you simply look at something, maybe it’s a drawing, a painting, a photograph or some freakishly gorgeous nature scene? That feeling where you’re just like, “I have no words for how gorgeously perfect this is.”

That’s the feeling I got when I looked at the middle of my half eaten burger, noticing it’s carefully crafted charred outside, light brown outer ring and rare inside, as pink as flushed pinched cheeks. It was the epitome of the definition of medium rare.

Sauces: Jason (.75) Amie (1)
If you can call the pickle relish a sauce, then it’s the bomb dot effing com. If not, everything else reigns as normal. Although the special Slow Sauce popped with a nice tang that’s not typically found in the usual mayo/ketchup ‘special sauce.’ It was a pleasant surprise to bite into. The ketchup they served in the little white cup we’ve all come to love was chilled ice cold; a nice juxtaposition between the oily heat of the fries. Do they always serve it like that or is it served that way because they had just opened? Any late night Slow Burger goers have that answer?

Quality of Accoutrements: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Let’s start with the Slowburger: Pickle relish that’s vinegary with an afterthought of awesome sweet tang. The onion rings were perfect, not dripping in oil, but tempered enough to be light, crispy and soft. And the Gruyere? A salty and stinky marvel of melted cheese that blends nicely with the faint trace of onion ring oil and combines with the juiciness of the meat that makes you basically okay with dying, right then, right there.

As for the Spring Slowburger, the bacon, just like Bamboo’s, is Nueske’s bacon -- the best damn bacon in the world. Smoky and salty, it reminds me of breakfast at my folk’s place, giving me that comfortable feeling that everything in the world is perfect. The caramelized onions couldn’t have been done to better perfection, sweet with just the slightest hint of a crunch. All lettuce and pickled onions were also fresh as a clean baby’s bottom (Hmmm, perhaps I shouldn’t use that simile anymore).

Add On Options: Jason (0), Amie (0)
We’re having a bit of an existential dilemma here. The burger was AWESOME and we agree with the rest of the city lauding the deliciousness of this ½ pound patty of perfection. However. HOWEVER. They don’t come with any add options. Do they need add ons? Perhaps not. We appreciate the meticulous preparation and planning that’s gone into those burgers and their accoutrements, but we still have to rate a big fat zero for their lack of add on options.

What It Comes With: Jason (1), Amie (1)
FRENCH FRIES! Definitely hand cut. Definitely delicious. While not as good as the onion rings (Which you see from the photo was an accoutrement, not a side dish), the french fries were hot and salty -- delicious when added to the super chilled ketchup. Even better when you used them to collect dripping meat juices that ooze out while you’re digging your face into that greasy gut abomination of glorious gluttony.

Meat Flavor: Jason (1), Amie (1)
I’ll quote Jason five days after eating the burger: “God damn that was so tasty.” The meat flavor was really spot on. With a hefty dash of salt and pepper, this burger screamed of beefiness and juicy, savory, meaty oil that I was lapping at the juices as they ran down my wrists and arms. Best meat flavor.

Presentation: Jason (1), Amie (1)
We’ve got to refer to what Jenn Louis told us about her feelings on the bun on/bun off debate. You see, the Slowburger, piled high with inch tall onion rings, comes bun off. Probably both because it would be impossible to carry out without the bun falling off, AND to let you behold the glory of the onion rings crowning the burger. The Spring Slowburger however, came all ready to go, closed and speared with a sawed skewer stick. And since it didn’t have accoutrements on the plate inviting me to take off the bun, we’ll accept and definitely appreciate the presentation. Two different burgers. Two different presentations. Both totally awesome and oozing badassery.

Hit the Spot Factor: Jason (1), Amie (1)
So the one bad thing about getting down with Portland’s proclaimed best burger on a Friday afternoon is the fact that after ingesting and moaning over ½ a pound of beef and a gang of french fries and onion rings, you’re basically worthless for the rest of the day. It’s THAT good. Food coma good, giving you the same feeling after the first round of Thanksgiving dinner. It might be so good that it rivals the feeling of unbuttoning your pants with no shame after the SECOND round of Thanksgiving dinner. You’re happy, sated and couldn’t ask for anything better in the world.

Bonus Pickle? Zero.
We hate to but we have to repeat ourselves: Siiiiiiiigh. BONUS PICKLES! Send us a sign to tell us where you are!



Total Score: 8.625






Recommendation:
Don’t let the lack of add on options deter you from this place. I’ll even go again knowing they don’t have a bonus pickle. I’m personally curious to know what the vibe is like on an evening night, especially weekend evening night. If it’s anything like a Friday afternoon, everyone’s gonna be ordering the burger (We seriously saw 8 served before ours came out, and we were only there for about an hour), it’s gonna be loud, but a chilled sort of loud. For sure hit it up for lunch if you’re in the SE/inner NE area.  Sure, it’s a more expensive burger but it’s delicious and way better than any typical bar food you’re used to. It’s the best $9.75 for a burger we’ve spent in a while.

I think Jason’s closing statement says it all:

“I’ve got a half a pound of burger and about ½  a pound of onions rings and french fries in me. I’m stuffed and  BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP.”

Hawthorne Hideaway

Name the one thing you go to a bar for.



Drinks, right?

Of course, sometimes you get to the point in your drinks jones where you’re like...

“Oh my gawd you know what sounds like AMAZING right now? (Insert dive bar food here)” (I know I get like that otherwise I know the next day I’ll have a headache -- at best -- rueing the fact that I didn’t get my drunken nosh on)

And I think we can all justify that typical dive bar food is just that: typical (And I differentiate between dive bar and regular bar food because of this article). Yet because the majority of foods are fried and often covered with cheese or bacon, they’re delicious no matter how disgusting they are. I mean, if you can’t get down with ubiquitous garlic fries, onion rings, jalapeno poppers or the empyrean totchos (That yes, we’ve already mentioned before), then you really don’t belong in a dive bar anyway.

Hawthorne Hideaway’s menu is the quintessential dive bar menu. They have stepped up their game since we first started dating, namely with their burger. Goodbye $5 happy hour bacon cheeseburger, hello it’s big brother: “All burgers are 100% certified angus ½ pound hand-pattied, served with secret sauce, lettuce, tomato, pickle and onion unless noted, served on a sesame seed kaiser roll from Portland French Bakery.” $10. Add cheese or bacon for $1, egg for $.50.”



Let’s dive into how it was:

Bun Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
You know that “Portland French Bakery kaiser roll” mentioned in the description? False advertising. While it wasn’t a Franz bun by any means, I was personally disappointed at the fact that it was so not a kaiser roll let alone anything that Portland French Bakery turns out. That said, with all the ketchup I added to my burger, the bun held up with pretty decent gusto.

Meat Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
While I have no idea who their meat purveyor is, I’ll own up to the fact that the meat was pretty darn good. There was no gristle, no slimy blahness swimming its way down our throats and nothing to be too worried about. That said, the quality could have been due to the fact of how we ordered it (See below).

Made to Order: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Here we have to kick ourselves in the ass a little bit. Being at a bar we didn’t think about specifying how we wanted our burger done. After all, at the Hideaway, the single bartender isn’t just in charge of drinks, he’s gotta deal with taking all the food orders, too. And it being a late Saturday night, the addition of ‘Oh and make those medium rare, please’ seemed a bit too much to ask for. It wasn’t until we were scrutinizing the menu that we saw that all burgers are cooked to well done. Well done. Not even medium. That said, well done they were...which may have been for our benefit since we’re so unsure of where their meat comes from. Damn it.

Sauces: Jason (.5) Amie (.25)
Same ol’ same ol’ Heinzy McHeinzerson sauces, not to mention a weird uncomfortably congealed mayo.

Quality of Accoutrements: Jason (1), Amie (1)
At a bar you’d expect mealy tomatoes, bagged lettuce and onions so soft they could have come from a soup. That said, the accoutrements on Hideaway’s burger were surprisingly fresh though probably not to the snooty organic, farm fresh levels preferred. That said, I even ate my tomatoes -- which is a big deal.

Add On Options: Jason (0), Amie (.25)
American cheese. American. For a dollar. In all that is blasphemous not just in the culinary world, but in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE, American cheese is right up there with Hitler and white pants after Labor Day (White pants are usually blasphemous anytime of year).  Had it not been for the disgusting unwrapped square of plastic, the bacon and egg add on options would have created that lovely trifecta we so appreciate as add on options.

What It Comes With: Jason (1), Amie (.5)
Like the great bar it is, Hideaway lets you choose between fries OR tots, allowing you to drunkenly partake in your favorite salty fried potato snack. The fries are pretty good; salty and a mix of crunchy little ones and big softies. While we’ve had the tots before (salty deliciousness that swims sweetly in ketchup), I hadn’t tried the other option of a salad. I know, I know, a salad...from a bar? Weak, but you’ll have to understand we were on burger #5 in the same number of nights. So to save waist line, I opted for the salad. Unlike the accoutrements, this was partially from a pre-bagged mix with a few onions and tomatoes tossed in. Not terrible. Not memorable.

Meat Flavor: Jason (0), Amie (0)
When a burger NEEDS bacon, that’s not a good thing. When a burger NEEDS ketchup AND bacon, that’s a really not good thing. This one, unfortunately needed both. Yes, we got the beefiness but it just wasn’t that GOOD of a beefiness. Quality aside, a dash of salt and pepper in their mix (Unless they’re pre made) would go a long way.

Presentation: Jason (1), Amie (1)
With nothing more to add onto the sandwich (save for a couple of dollops of ketchup), the burger came bun on. Perfection.

Hit the Spot Factor: Jason (.5), Amie (.5)
The only reason this even got this high of a mark is because we were hun-ga-ray. It was past 10 pm and we had been through a long day of hanging out, day drinking and playing with our kitties. It was rough, obviously. It’s a good burger to get your teeth into but I’m not sure if it is for the price. Maybe opt for the little burger they offer instead and you’ll feel a bit happier about the cost/quality comparison.

Bonus Pickle? Zero.
Siiiiiigh.

Total Score: 6.3

Recommendation:
It might be bar food, but it’s still ranking higher than Clyde Common. So our recommendation is to get your dive bar on in the SE hood and tuck in with a nice giant burger and as hefty of a pour of whiskey as you can imagine. And with free pool, an awesome jukebox AND creepy Red light hotel lighting, you CAN’T go wrong. Get er done.

The Blacklisted

For anyone who’s ever visited/been to/lived in Portland -- unless you’re my dad who’s been called a douche by a crazy lady in the middle of a terrible traffic jam on Grand -- you understand that the Rose City is a pretty chill, pretty laid back, pretty hospitable place.

Our restaurants are included in that definition.

The pretty awesome one. Not the douche one.

All restaurants except for one.

Yakuza.

It seems fitting, considering its namesake is influenced from the oyabun or kumicho who bossed people around as they pleased (And killed them if they weren’t pleased).

That’s exactly how our first outing at Yakuza was. Like awesome people, we sat at the bar. The bartender/waitress? She went super oyabun on our asses and profiled the heck out of us.

There’s only one other time I’ve been profiled in a Portland restaurant (Circa 33, I’m talking about you and your blonde waitress who cared more about the three Chads at the table ahead of us than me and my fiance who had just finished moving  into a new place and were jonesing for major drinks and major food. I get it -- we were grungy and tired and ooooooogly but we had the bills to lay down and were willing to give you a big ole tip-- but you still kind of suck...though not enough to be Blacklisted), but still, not something you except from 98% of Portland restaurants. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. How did it come to pass that we’ve Blacklisted Yakuza? Get ready, because here’s how it went down:

First Visit:
Straight up TERRIBLE service! (And just for our own peace of mind... We’re not sticklers, or assholes. We’re laid back, have both worked service industry jobs, we  know the difference between busy and bad service, and we’re always appreciative.) But this wasn’t like, “its super busy and the bartender’s running all over the place so you have to wait a bit longer” service. We were just plain ignored, forgotten and otherwise neglected because the bartender was chatting with friends, and just generally paying attention to, uh, not us. Decent food. Don’t go there for sushi. Or drinks. Or a good time. Unless you’re a Chad or the tiny-skirt-wearing girlfriend of a Chad.

This visit was a while ago, pre burger blog. And after this unpleasant experience, we were going to have trouble going back.

BUT, we wanted to try their burger because our favorite issue of Portland Monthly Magazine gushed about the amazingness of their beefy patty of wonder and joy. So we said, “Hey, the last visit could have been a fluke. We’ll give Yakuza another shot, especially for the sake of the blog. We’re obligated to try EVERY Portland burger after all!”

Thing is...we never got to try it. And we never will.

Why?

Second Visit:
Saturday night, we walk in, looking Portlandy posh (Yes, Jason was donning his lumberjack plaid jacket and I had on a cotton black dress adorned with my meat cleaver necklace) only to find out twenty minutes later that the place was ‘closed’ to outsiders due to a party.

I suppose the lack of hostess should have been our first cue.

I suppose the couple who looked exactly like us, glancing around to see if they were ever going to get service, who ended up leaving five minutes later should have been the second cue.

I suppose the fact that I needed to be wearing a napkin-sized skirt and Jason needed to have three popped collars should have been our third cue.

Why did we have to get through all the cues? Because though apparently the place was reserved for a private party, there was no freaking sign on the door! That’s usually how it goes when a place is reserved for a private event right? And what about the other two-tops in the the front dining area filled with diners eating burgers? Were they part of the party and just sitting by themselves eating burgers? Maybe, but I have my doubts. Also, there was the waitress we FINALLY tracked down who couldn’t give us a straight answer about this party. Most party goers were in the back patio, so we asked if the dining area was closed too. She replied, “Yeah, pretty much.” ….... What does that mean?? Is it or isn’t it? This lead us to draw this conclusion: there was definitely a party going on, but was all of Yakuza reserved? No. Everyone was just too busy with the party to bother taking care a couple average burger lovers.




Yakuza, we’ll never eat your burger. And that sucks, cause we thought you were going to be awesome. And I bet your burger is awesome.

What you’ve got your wakizashi behind that bar? I don’t think so. You have nothing but the reputation of being good. And according to Yelp, that reputation is tumbling downhill at a faster rate than Edo became Tokyo (Which I know wasn’t super fast, but come on, give me the reference).

Take a freaking Japanese chill pill. Or heck, an Oregon-grown chill pill. There are lot of people in our lovely laid back city who can help you out with that.

Find them. Use them. (Puff, puff, pass, Yakuza.) And then let us know when you’re actually cool again.

Bamboo Sushi

Bon Appetit recently posted two blogs on what you order during a date says about you. Men and women both responded to the options -- steak (“If he orders it rare, he’s trying too hard. If he orders it medium, I’ll take my chances. Well done? No.”), salmon (“Zzzzzz. It’s not halibut. It’s not a steak. It’s just...salmon. Salmon really wants you to like her.”), even mac’n cheese (“She probably has daddy issues.” “Mama’s boy.”).

They also surveyed about those who order cooked meals at sushi joints.

“I don’t get it. Did she just agree to come here to make me happy?” “Only OK if he has an immune disorder. Or mercury poisoning. If he doesn’t like it, why are we here?”

In our opinion, there’s another reason to do so: The burger. That’s why for our next burger at Bamboo Sushi, we painstakingly swapped chopsticks and sake for ketchup and beer.



For those who aren’t familiar with Bamboo Sushi just stop reading. You’re not worthy to enjoy our blog.

Nah, just kidding. But it’s hard to be a sushi aficionado or live in Portland, be a food lover (And who isn’t here!?) and NOT know about Bamboo. It’s the WORLD’S first certified sustainable sushi restaurant. That means they’re dedicated to sustainable fishing practices, serving fish that’s only okay with the Monterey Bay Aquarium and Blue Ocean Institute. And they do it with delicious flair, too. Also, check out The Story of Sushi, it's amazing.

But sadly, this post isn’t about the amaebi, Tasmanian ocean trout or the sunomono salad. Oh wait, there’s a little amaebi in there.

This post is about the burger: ½ pound Snake River Farms Wagyu burger on brioche with aged Tillamook white cheddar, caramelized onions and onion rings. $14. Add Nueske’s applewood smoked bacon for $2, free range fried egg for $1 and togarashi fried shallot rings for $1. Or, get it all with the Sumo for $17.

So did Bamboo still have the same chops in the kitchen as they do in the sushi bar?

Bun Quality: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Perfect. That baby held up to the meat juices, non-descript sauce , pickles and the subsequent amaebi head we added to our burger.
Meat Quality: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)
After looking up Snake River Farms, I definitely respect them more than I did the night of the burger fiesta. I just found mine a bit too...eh...rash, if that makes sense. It wasn’t bad per say, but I didn’t feel totally awesome eating it.

Made to Order: Jason (.5), Amie (.75)
It’s such a weird experience to have one burger cooked perfectly and one not cooked well. I feel bad for Jason because more often than not, I get the good one. Maybe it’s the addition of the cheese that throws grill cooks off? I’m not sure, but these burgers just weren’t done the same, and that’s a big time bummer.

Sauces: Jason (.75) Amie (.75)
Fishy orange sauce that we weren’t sure of. Not like, fishy as in fish sauce fishy. But just something...a bit off. While it didn’t ruin the experience, it didn’t really help either.

Quality of Accoutrements: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Crispety crunchety pickles, flavored in essence of the sunomono salad I love so much. Fresh lettuce. Caramelized onions that melt with a bite. There’s no complaining here.

Add On Options: Jason (1), Amie (1)
The fact that Nueske’s bacon has been continually lauded as the best GD bacon ever, including awarded accolades from the New York Times, we can’t help but appreciate that Bamboo gives its customers such high quality food. I mean, what else can you expect from a restaurant dedicated to sustainability and high quality fish? An egg is always a fantastic time and togarashi style of cooking, with its nice spicy chile flavor, is that perfect level of heat, piques the tongue but doesn’t make you sweat. Well done on the add ons, Bamboo.

What It Comes With: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Onion rings onion rings onion rings. At first we thought these were also ON the burger. But they’re not. They’re served on the side in lieu of french fries or tots and they are delish. DEEEELISH.

Meat Flavor: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Umami. That’s the only way to aptly describe the flavor of this burger. I’m not quite sure what they added to the meat, but the burger was bursting with that very definitive Japanese flavor of rice vinegar, mirin, soy and awesomeness.

Presentation: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Was there anything to add on to the burger? Nope! It came with pickles, accoutrements, add ons all ready to go. That’s why we’re totally stoked with the bun on.

Hit the Spot Factor: Jason (.75), Amie (1)
Regardless of the fact that we may have been a bit tipsy by the end of the evening (We may or may not have partaken in some Hot Monkey shooting before we went out), the burger totally hit the spot in the best way. In fact, it packed in so much delicousness and hit-the-spot factor that Jason, despite his big appetite, couldn’t finish it. I did...though I’ll admit after a ½ pound of beef, wasn’t really feeling up for breakfast the next morning (Good thing I’m running though, eh?)/

Bonus Pickle? Zero.
But the addition and side order of amaebi was delicious. Cold, sweet and raw with a crispy, crunchy head...that yes, we did put on our burgers. I mean, why not? Kind of like a pickle, minus the whole fermentation process.

Total Score: 9

Recommendations: If you want to be the jerk who orders cooked food at a sushi joint, do it with gusto here and order the freaking burger. It’s awesome and as long as you don’t order it while at the sushi bar, nobody’s going to look down on you or wonder why you ordered the freaking burger. You know, unless you’re on a first date.

Best Meal EVER!

Okay so have you ever had that ONE moment, perhaps during a concert, maybe at an art gallery or comedian’s performance, you know...that moment where you’re simply like,

“YES! THIS IS WHY I’M A CRAZY OBSESSIVE FAN!”

You know...that moment?

Readers...we totally had that moment tonight.

To set the scene: I just got off work to meet my lovely husband (The creative design brains of our blog) for happy hour with the rest of his work crew at Apex (It was a ninety degree day for crying out loud and Apex has THE most bitching outdoor seating area in Portland). They were hosting a bunch of dudes from out of town and decided to hit up Pok Pok. Being one and two drinks in, we decided to head back over to Sunshine Tavern for a delightfully delicious meal.

As always, the food was awesome. The service made me feel like I was back at home. And the drinks -- hello! slushie margaritas; I can’t get enough of you on a ninety degree weather day.

Okay let’s face it. I’m small. I actually CAN get enough of those. Sadly.

Back to the awesomeness.

Here we are, sitting outside, devouring the rest of our pickled egg app when lo and freaking behold Jenn Freaking Louis (I’m SURE that’s her middle name) comes up to our table and starts talking with us.

What?!?!?!

YOU don’t know WHO Jenn Freaking Louis is?

Uhm...helloooooo. She’s the brains behind Sunshine Tavern, it’s delicious burger and the awesomeness of that place.

She’s also the brains behind Lincoln in NE on Williams (I don’t think they do, but Jenn...let us know if y’all serve a burger there!).

So all of a sudden, here we are, slushie margaritas in hand, talking to the mastermind of our (thus far) favorite burger.

Uhm. Humbling awesome. Not only did we get to geek out with her about our burger eating adventures, but she GAVE US A RECIPE. For pickles. Which is totally awesome.

As you can tell from the style of writing, we’re basically the 15 year old girl/boy who just became aware that her crush had an interest in her. Yeah. That’s us. And there’s no shame in it.

All we can say is...

Sunshine Tavern, you’re awesome. And we’ll continue to come to you. Our next stop at your place is for brunch; are you still serving bloody mary’s with beer backs?

Burgatroyd

After digging into a couple of bistro burgers and sliders on the east side, we decided it was time to cross Burnside and get our food cart on at Burgatroyd.

The recommendation came from a coworker of mine, Joel whose friend runs the cart. After a long Saturday morning of signing up for brewing classes and searching for kombucha bottle brushes in North Portland, we couldn’t help but stop over at the Mississippi food cart pod for a bite.

The pod is located right behind Prost! -- which I hear is an amazing bar for soccer watching fans -- and offers everything from fresh juice and rice bowls to Korean tacos and of course, burgers (All of which you can take into Prost, granted you buy a beer).

Despite the amazing smells emanating from every cart, we had one mission that freakishly hot Saturday early afternoon: Burgers.

Beforehand we looked up their website to see their offerings. Unfortunately what was on the site wasn’t exactly what was available (An updated site would be nice!). We thought we were walking into a burger cart that offered regular burgers with like, a bajillion add on options. While that wasn’t the case, the menu wasn’t disappointing.

But let’s meet the meat before we really dig in:

“Each burger is a ¼ pound of Highland Oak Beef served with housemade sauces and pickles on brioche buns supplied by Fleur de Lis. Price: $6.”

Jason got the Luau Burger: The ¼ pound patty slathered in teriyaki sauce, grilled pineapple, swiss cheese and grilled ham. Opting for the only burger that came without cheese, I went with the summer special.

And now...the rankings:

Bun Quality: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Brioche. Buttery. Grilled on the outside and squishy on the inside. Yum a dum dum.

Meat Quality: Jason (1), Amie (.75)
A near perfect quality, I was just slightly bummed that my patty didn’t fall or break apart. It was composed and patted too much, leaving a patty that seemed pre-made and frozen, not made two minutes before it hit the grill.

Made to Order: Jason (.75), Amie (.5)
While Jason’s burger was perfectly medium rare, especially compared to my slightly more medium meat (My reason for the knock down), Jason had to knock down Burgatroyd too. The culprit? Onions that weren’t listed on the menu of the Luau Burger but still found their way down on the lower bun.

Sauces: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Any place that takes the time to make their own sauces makes its way straight to our hearts. Today there are just too many GMO and HFCS sauces that absolutely ruin...not just the taste, but the entire reasoning behind serving grass fed, organic beef. That’s why we loved Burgatroyd’s sauces and the sweet, sweet lovin’ they put into them.

Quality of Accoutrements: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Despite the fact that Jason’s burger came with unwanted accoutrements, I’ll admit that those rogue onions were awesome. Fresh and crispy without being stringy. The slaw on my burger was just as crispy and swimming in a delicious sauce without going soft. Truly, nothing to complain about in this arena. I’m curious as to where they get such high quality fruits and vegetables. Anyone know?

Add On Options: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Bacon and egg. Ain’t nothing wrong with either of those. That said, it’s hard to want to add bacon to a burger that already has ham, let alone an egg to a lime flavored, slaw-filled, already oozing burger. Next time Burgatroyd, next time.

What It Comes With: Jason (.5), Amie (.5)
Like most food cart burgers, Burgatroyd’s burgers didn’t come with anything. However, french fries are a cheap $3 side dish. That said, while Jason and I usually devour our fries (We shared a large this time), we left the pod without consuming every little crunchy fried delicious morsel. They looked crispy, looked like McDonald fries, but tasted a bit soft, bland and in need of ketchup. Bummer.

Meat Flavor: Jason (.5), Amie (.5)
The meat flavor test is always tricky; it requires taking a bit of the meat away from the song and dance of the accoutrements, bun, add ons and sauces to distinguish how beefily delicious that burger is. While I know the high quality factor of Highland Oak Beef, we were a bit disappointed that the meat didn’t really have a ton of flavor. Beef, sure. But like, BEEF?!?! Unfortunately, not.

Presentation: Jason (1), Amie (1)
Any burger that’s pierced by a skewer or knife is an absolute giant presentation of confidence and just like a cat chasing a laser does, we’ll fall for that ploy every time. It’s just so awesome and commands to eat that burger absolutely as is.

Hit the Spot Factor: Jason (.75), Amie (.75)Despite these burgers being the first thing we munched on all day, we weren't experiencing that total "I hate my life because I just ate the last bite of my burger" moment. Just like Katie Holmes, we simply moved on to better burgers.  

Bonus Pickle? Zero.
Bonus pickles...where are you!?!

Total Score: 7.5

Recommendations: Any day you’re jonesing for a burger, want to sit outside and grab a beer afterwards, definitely hit up Burgatroyd and Prost! (Especially if you love the Timbers but don’t love the traffic associated with NW/SW Portland) All we can say is Joel -- thank you!